Waking and Dreaming Moments

What is happening Today

Finally back on LJ
In talking with a few folks it comes clear that LJ is a good place to start working out somethings. Life is not bad but there are items which need to be addressed and if I can get it out into a space where I can look it over maybe that will help.

Well that is the start of my next generation of posts - some might be cool but not making any promises. :)

take care,

Going to bed dreaming of a dream
Friends - been a long time posting and hope you forgive me my lack of trespasses. I have been finding myself reflecting about summer of 09 with whimsy in my brow. It will pretty much be my 'summer of love' for sometime but not why you might think. Something happened and felt like connections and intimacies were garnered with such little effort thought I found THE answer. Alas was just a moment like so many in my past. I am melancholy at the moment but not morose. I know it happened and my soul was filled to overflowing - both with sadness and joy. Now not stiff drink nor gentle caress which such sweetness lay me down in a field of daises will return i do fear. I DO NOT give up hope but it is in our stars it would appear. Many current situations astound me in which fell for I did over the fall and harsh sweltering winter which by god's grace shall pass very soon. My soul is parched and weary but still hopeful. My body showing stretch marks like so many side glances from an unseen but formidable foe wielding Excalibur against me.

Just stuck in the mundance of life be it for or against i truly am not sure. Yet i dream and wait for the call to come play again. May this time it's lessons more true to me become.

with Sweet Love,

My words are shattered
Dear Journal,

Once again I find myself up late - was not really thinking of anything but again the winds of change come in the fall and I find myself slipping back. I can not explain this summer to anyone it really seems. I know close ones said I physically changed but there was more than that. I so wanted to just do what I was doing - being myself but more important was people being comfortable with me, comfortable with the love I would share. Not talking about sex that is for novices. It was heart connections - it was deep unspeakable love of others where it seemed anything could be shared - clothes, touch, food, smoke, drink, innocence. The relations with friends long thought lost blossomed and old rivals dropped their swords and chariots were brought into circle for a brief relief. Where interactions never thought possible sudden were there like ripe peaches waiting just to be plucked and the juice so sweet felt like honey running through your blood.

Now I feel the cold creeping back in - the heavy sweat like so many steel jacketed bullets running down my back and the fire within exchanged for cold heat of television - reminding me that things are not what they appear anymore. Under cover messages sent back and forth - agendas unspoken but plainly seen through for their true objectives.

Dear universe please let me dream of things not yet passed which give me hope for the future? Provide me comfort during these moments with the wolf at the door in the form of the fall wind - howling to be fed. Please say in your wise and comforting manner that those things which are on the doorstep at this very moment are but an illusion to distract and if only one does not look away but faces boldly will persevere into a most glorious tomorrow. Please give me this in my time of need.

My tank is empty but if going down hill one may coast and maybe even catch a wind at the back - but there is that other part the uphill struggle - the pounding of the heart as you try to make it up to the top again knowing you might not make it out of the forest this time. Those times once you are clear are exhilarating if you believe you will conquer. I just am not so sure at all now. The dogs of obedience always at my heel reminding me if I stumble - if I fail it will be the carnage of ripped flesh to pay.

Tried to put into words what i felt a few moments ago - and has been growing over the past few weeks except to no avail it would appear.

maybe next time I will bake myself a cherry cake with chocolate icing and say dam it all.


The Concept of 'Tony'
Good morning Journal,

Nice to be able to write to you today again. Not sure how much I will be able to get out but will try to wring it all out of the grey matter which has been tryin to just put me into so much pain it was unbelievable.

So was laying awake in my bed and it hit me. I have been feeling like behind plastic - NIB or UOGIB or one of those other terms that collectors use to describe an item for sell. Nothing touches me and I am frozen in time for all to see. I try to reach out but am muffled and less animated. It dawned on me and I have not been feeling it like this summer when friends came out of the wood and loves sprang like so many dragon lilies. It was just right, true and happening without effort. What the hell am I talking about - glad you asked. I was just so loved over the summer in many different and wonderful ways. I spoke what I felt and really did not hold back once it scared a few because it was total departure from the somewhat logical and collected person many have grown to know.

So the question I asked myself a few moments ago was "Are people in love with me or loving the 'concept' of 'Tony'?" I became fascinated with that line of thought.

I am going to ponder this as i feel deeply it is more in line with my current need to scream, fight, throw shit, be active and to provide people with the genuine article and not the guy behind the plastic.

Until next time,
The Real

To which way do I follow?
Was goin to post my thoughts and feeling but some are no where to be found. Maybe they are right men can be moody. I really don't get that. Our heart and passion can be great buttake away something we cherish even if that thing is not tangible and only in our heart and we fold like a house of cards.

Maybe I am feeling through empathy exacltly what a love of mine is feeling. Maybe that is why it hurts and want it to stop or do something but nothing budges it. There was a time when it just was right and people say it will return but I am dreading to opposite. I can tap dance around it all I like but that magic went away.

I find myself tossing and bouncing in a small boat with one oar and the skies are darkening. Landfall no where to be seen and the sky is just a blanket hiding true north or anything else that might help guide me.

I must follow my heart and it is in for repairs. The love shared with me does keep me here but there are ti
es wished was no so needy. It just was so easy - why did it leave me why did it just abandon me on the railroad tracks? Why is it so hard now?

I see it like this - in my circle there are many loves but I can not be everything to everyone there is a debt that happens and it is the balance which is for what I seek. I think-told you my heart is really struggling and just want to hold it and tell it will be better but how ?

Going to go now as I have wasted a lot of time and feel like it just is something I will have to face whatever it is. And not know what the great boogie man is ( maybe is like those monster models - size migt be a whole lot smaller than I.

Thanks for reading If you feel me and able to read through this salad of symbols and give
me something it might be the best birthday gift ever and won't cost you anything except your love.

Until - Tony

Cincinnati - or how not to do an impromptu road trip
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WTF do we have to do??????
Okay - Just getting this out before Jes gets here as I am bout to JUST EXPLODE! first off - FUCK THE FUCKER THAT IS FUCKING FUCKED UP! Okay now the back store. Her dad is just such a fucked up asshat. Okay - just trying to let babygirl handle but we need paperwork to be filed so that she does not get taking off my insurance. Gots to go she is here...


Don't stop this groove
You ever have a song and you want to stay in that groove - well life is like that and it is superb. My previous post was one of great energy and believe it or not love. sorry took some of my friends by surprise but the greatest love of all is all around my family and there are times which just make you want to just explode.

Okay since solstice - I just can no longer do mellow. I have found enjoying the craziest shit ever now when it comes to music. I LOVE SUMMER! people complain about the heat but I say bring it on. And by happenstance we are slated to go to TEXAS in late July/August so take that. :) (OMG! hope I ready for the transition) I am working on my tan, and driving with my windows down and the SUNROOF OPEN!

But this does bring up problems - there will be things (like clothes) which don't fit and never were actually me but man i was just asleep for so long... Hey what year is it anyway?

Got to get but wnated to jot just a few thoughts down and let everyone know I am alive and doing well.

Much Gigantic Love,

Roll with me
Gawd - I really mean it. I need one so BADLY!!!!!!

Okay - here is the scoop if you told me that this past two weeks would turn out like they have I would have told you were crazy and called the local help professional quickly. I have too much to go through here so as in princess bride - let me review... that would take too long - let me sum up. Darkness all sides of the most heinious variety - and self invited most of it. Now since solstice channels are open and flowing and fuck anyone who stands in my way. I turned my radio up to 11 and RIPPED THE KNOB OFF!... wait there was a knob?

My problem have been blowing out circuits right and left - tried to talk to a couple friends and the phone kept going dead. here are some stats: lost 15 pounds in the last couple of weeks down to 208 and fallin. My FAMILY FUCKIN ROCKS! and just today needed to get me so just good ole speed metal goin - the faster the better. So much to talk about - Meet at the convention and can explain it but just know that I love you and if you ever felt ignored please give me a second chance because anyone can change.


Okay - my head is hurting from just sitting here trying to work things out. I will not go into the particulars but if I don't parse out this it will poison me. Sometimes my views on people are swayed by many factors like most of us. We try to be more enlightened but sometimes it just does not seem to work. Most of the time we see someone and if there is a strong dislike we/I try to look past that but sometimes it just does not matter. Unless you spend time with that person where they let down their guard it just does not matter. At these times it makes me feel like the bad guy for having those thoughts - that this person or persons are no good but that is mearly a reflection upon one's self in that opinion. ARGH!

Our judgement can be swayed by damn emotions - even Spock had trouble later with dealing with the pesky critters. My position is currently tenuous at best. My problem is that in my mind there are things which are dark and dangerous and you want to scream because another has found them to be bright and shiny and must be totally involved to the point I needed to stop viewing posts or even engage conversation again - after making vast gains in trust or was that a lie? My heart says there is great danger in the events which are transpiring but my head is saying I am being just well crazy. Please dear Lord if you would take pity on a poor soul I would be most obliged. Sometimes a dinner is a prelude - sometimes a dinner is just that a dinner. I just don't want to be here is my feelings are correct. I do not want to be here - I said never again I would not be here. I currently want to rip out every circuit, every channel, every pipeline so i can be like most of the masses - blishfully ignorant.

vacated souls - so many and they are just not aware of it any more.

Blessed be the peacekeeper as he works along side of God - and next stop almost any god will do at the moment. Grey wings with white edging - if you were wondering.

Can you hear the trumpets?

Thanks for listening,


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